


Wish upon my dying breath

by RavenShira



Series: The One-armed Ninja, the Heartless & a Scarecrow [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Depersonalization, Derealization, Dreams vs. Reality, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Guilt, Mental Breakdown, Nohara Rin Lives, Not Really Character Death, POV Hatake Kakashi, Team Feels, Team Minato-centric, Team as Family, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:21:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23721514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenShira/pseuds/RavenShira
Summary: All he wanted was to save her, to keep his promise and bring her home. Maybe that's why he didn't listen to her. Maybe that's why he couldn't stop her.Maybe that's why he killed Rin.As Kakashi stared at the blood dripping from his last teammates lips, his name on her last breath, choking on her own life, Kakashi dearly wished for things to be different. Exhaustion overcame him, making him dizzy as the world spun around him. He didn't even care that he was surrounded by enemies just waiting to strike. He had failed them. Utterly and totally failed his pack. And all he wanted was to be with his team.Maybe he would get his wish sooner rather than later.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Nohara Rin & Uchiha Obito
Series: The One-armed Ninja, the Heartless & a Scarecrow [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1256600
Comments: 8
Kudos: 83





	Wish upon my dying breath

**Author's Note:**

> Might make more sense if you read the prequels first

_No._

His hand jerked, trying to stop or change the course of his attack.

_nonononono_

Blood splattered over him, his face, his chest but mostly warming his arm. Soft flesh parting as his hand struck true. Mercilessly. Ruthlessly.

_This wasn't what was supposed to happen._

“Kkkaah-ka-shi-” Blood dying her lips crimson, the seconds turning into eons as the picture burned itself to his retinas. Until it was all he could see, whether he had his eyes open or closed.

_He hadn't **meant** to-_

There was blood roaring in his ears, his chakra rapidly depleting and Kakashi swayed, his body growing weak and he was only fighting the darkness encroaching his vision for a mere moment.

_It should have been-_

Even though there were enemies around, Kakashi couldn't find it in himself to care as he welcomed oblivion with one last thought.

_-me..._

ꐑ( •᷅ ᆺ\ \\)ꐐ࿐࿔࿓

The first thing Kakashi became aware of when his conscience stirred again, even before he opened his eyes, was the overpowering smell of blood. It brought back memories of just becoming Genin and returning home, of blood soaking the floorboards and-

Heart constricting, Kakashi shoved the memories aside with practiced ease, his eyes opening just a slit to stare at the ground he was lying on. His face was mashed into it, the sticky feeling of mud and blood soaking into the fabric of his mask, hiding his grimace. Apart from the pitter-patter of rain and the occasional animal sound, it was dead silent as Kakashi tried to pierce through the fog of his muddled memories. His chakra was nearly entirely depleted, and the Sharingan was steadily sucking what little was left up like a sponge. Desperately, Kakashi closed the eye in a bid to keep the rest of his nearly non-existent chakra from leaving him entirely.

It took him longer than he was comfortable to remember where he was and why he was currently lying face down on the ground, barely refraining from drowning in a nearby puddle. Bile rose in his throat, making him swallow consecutively in order to keep it down. Slowly and with one eye firmly pressed close, Kakashi managed to turn himself to his side, getting a blood covered arm underneath him. His vision swam as he unsteadily managed to slowly sit up, a kaleidoscope of brown, grey and red with the odd splash of green mixed in between.

_Rin._

The name choked him with an invisible cord, heart starting to hammer wildly as he remembered _**his hand-**_

  
Quickly, Kakashi fumbled, his fingers feeling clumsy as he dragged his mask down, just in time to retch to his side, coughing as the acidic tang of his stomach fluids hit his taste-buds in all the wrong ways, his body convulsing and shuddering. Cold sweat broke out over his already rain-soaked body, leaving him feeling even more chilled than before.

_He-_

_His hand-_

_Her blood-_

Kakashi dragged the hand into his line of vision, feeling the world sway around him as the image burned itself into his memory, just as much as the moments when Rin had appeared in his line of sight and the short moment when Kakashi had realized he was powerless to stop his attack. The hand was covered in mud and sticky red, now cold and dried on his skin, as much as it was possible in the slight dizzle that was still raining down from the heavens.

“Oh kami-” Kakashi croaked out, curling up on the ground, his arms going around his middle as he bowed his head to the ground, his teeth grinding together to stop the scream that was building in the back of his throat.

_What had he **done-**_

Kakashi didn't know how long he stayed in that position, as if prostrating himself to an unseen power, ready to be judged guilty. It was sheer willpower that had him uncurl one of his arms, putting the trembling, treacherous limb underneath him to help him push up into a more upright position once more. He couldn't hide from this. He had to _see._

_What have **I** done-_

It took so much for him to let his gaze trail in front of him. She wouldn't be far-

And then he blinked. The world froze and Kakashi was barely aware that he crawled closer until he was basically hovering over her.

Oh.

_Oh._

Kakashi blinked several times, his head swimming. He looked at Rin, unconscious but breathing, looked how her hand clutched the wrist one of a very familiar ninja. A ninja that Kakashi was also quite sure was dead. He looked so different, with scars covering most his body and an arm missing. All in all he did look better than Kakashi had any hope of wishing for though. Numbly Kakashi sat back, sitting between his two teammates, both of who should be dead but clearly breathing and out for the count. Kakashi could- he could smell them though, below the scent of blood and mud, just a trace of something familiar that had been ingrained to his memory. They were here, and he never thought he would- but here they were and he could smell them. They were real. They had to be, right?

“Oh.” Kakashi whispered, feeling... nothing. Or everything. Slowly Kakashi tugged his mask up, a motion he was used to and more a motion he did to do something, anything. He continued staring at them, drinking them in. His hand reached out slowly and they were warm and solid, not at all lifeless and turning cold. His fingertips trembled from where he had touched their connected hands, before slowly drawing them back. His hands felt... dirty. Like he shouldn't be touching them at all, not after-

But it was impossible.

They were dead. No, they were alive. But they were dead.

Kakashi let out a shuddering breath, trying to calm his heavily beating heart. It felt like a drum beating against its cage, heavy and loud. Blood was rushing in his ears, a silent roar for his senses only.

_Panic attack._

Gritting his teeth, Kakashi clenched his eyes shut, forcefully calming his breath as his hand gripped his upper tight, fingers digging into the flesh. The pain was grounding. He couldn't loose it here.

He couldn't. Not now. His pack was _defenseless-_

He breathed out again. A few more deep breaths as Kakashi caged the raging thoughts, the emotions and everything down, his mind turning blank and sharp. Carefully, ever so carefully he relaxed his muscles, before he slowly unclenched his hand. Then he took stock of his teammates. They couldn't be alive. But they were. But...

He had just _killed-_

The thought was choked off before he could even finish it. Instead his eyes assessed their states. His gaze lingered on the hole in Rin's dress and the pale skin that shimmered through the tattered fabric, smeared with blood for several long moments before moving on. Obito's stump of an arm was coloured an angry red, the skin looking fresh and irritated enough to make Kakashi wince in sympathy.

Gently he reached out, his touches kept to a minimum as he rearranged their bodies until their heads were resting comfortably in his lab. He wasn't sure if it was for their comfort or his own. His hands clenched uselessly at his side, even as his gaze snapped up to survey their surroundings, ignoring the sprawled and mangled bodies all around him. It was so weird. Everything was weird, but one thing was clear to him, after all there was no other explanation:  
  
“I guess I must have died, too.”

And Kakashi was strangely fine with that. If this was the afterlife, then it wasn't so bad if it led to being reunited with his team. He had been a shitty team leader, so returning to the village as the last one standing...

He could do without that. Minato would be sad, as would Kushina, Kakashi was sure. But if this was death, then he would see them too, sooner or later and he dearly wished them a long and fulfilling life.

He didn't know what else death entailed, but he would keep watch over his teammates regardless. He wouldn't fail them a second time. Even if they didn't want him around, he would continue to protect them from the shadows.

ꐑ( •᷅ ᆺ\ \\)ꐐ࿐࿔࿓

It was Rin that stirred first. Kakashi's legs had long since fallen asleep and he felt like he was watching the world through a haze, yet when he felt Rin move his eyes immediately snapped down to her. His breath caught, and he kept it until he saw her frown and her eyelids flutter. His exhale felt shaky, but Kakashi quietly reasoned that he had just killed her, so being worried about her reaction was something he was not looking forward, yet couldn't look away because even in death she looked alive. Pale, dirty, but moving. A sob rattled out of her chest as if it was shaken free by force and Kakashi felt himself flounder about what to do. He could feel his fingers twitch uselessly at his side as he refrained from making contact, before he gathered his courage and let his fingertips trail through her hair, trying to soothe her. It was unfamiliar territory to him, but he had seen others do these motions and doing nothing... he couldn't. Though he stopped, when she flinched, feeling frozen as Rin's eyes suddenly stared up into his own. Guilt crashed over his head, even as he tried to keep his face carefully blank.

“K-kak-” her hands reached for him, and Kakashi fought the urge to shrink back. Her fingers clamped around his arms, stronger than he expected and with a tremble that made his chest ache. He wasn't sure what he preferred, her trembling from fear and weakness, or from the aftershocks of the chidori that had ripped through her.

Bile gathered at the base of his throat, stinging his taste-buds uncomfortably and he swallowed heavily to keep it down.

“D-d-do y-you _see??_ ” she was stuttering, her voice sounded frail and weak to his ears. Thin, and shivering like a leaf in a storm, barely holding onto the branch. He had done this to her. Maybe she didn't even know they were dead and Kakashi felt ill-equipped to handle that. How would he explain it to her, when words and comfort felt so abstract to him?  
  
“I do.” Kakashi muttered wearily, reaching out again despite himself. It was as if his body was moving on its own, seeking reassurance that he didn't feel he deserved. His eyes flicked to Obito's unconscious form, before quickly dashing away. He didn't really deserve to be in their presence, did he? Wasn't he at fault for cutting their lives short? Wasn't Rin angry at him? Would Obito forgive him for failing to keep his promise?  
  
He felt so sick and incredibly exhausted. His eyes moved over the tree-line again. The rain had stopped. In the corner of his eyes he saw Rin reach for Obito's wrist once more. A look of painful relief and awe crossed her features, tears stinging her eyes.

“How... how is this possible?” her voice was still fragile, but there was a quiet wonder in it as well. Kakashi stayed silent. He couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth. That Obito hadn't been saved, rather they had joined him in the afterlife. It was quiet for a time, and Kakashi used the excuse to check the tree-line once more to keep busy. This almost tranquil peace they had found right now couldn't last. He was a coward for not stating the truth. The blood on his arm felt like acid, itching and burning to him, constantly reminding him of what he had done. He wanted to scratch at it, to tear it off to get rid of the sensation and memories.

“We have to move...” Rin finally sighed, and Kakashi's eyes snapped back to her immediatly.

“Do we?” Kakashi asked almost sharply. If it was up to him, he wanted to stay in this moment for eternity, to have time stop now, when things were just barely clinging together, instead of falling apart again. Of their team reunited, of that feeling of relief that lingered, of the smallest, fragile peace that came from Rin not knowing the truth.

Everything would change, once she knew. Would she be able to forgive him?

“Yes.” Rin sounded regretful, but firm in her decision. It felt like that fragile peace Kakashi clung to was about to shatter, and his heart ached fiercely at the loss. “Time to go home.”

Home... Kakashi shuddered. He thought of blood-stained floorboards and guts spilling across a previously white, then dyed blood-red yukata. He let out a quiet hum, apprehension making his bones feel heavy like lead, yet he moved, gently helping Rin to sit up. He pealed off his shirt, handing it over to Rin to cover herself as her own shirt was ripped beyond repair and tried not to think of the blood splatters that were hidden in the dark fabric. Of whose blood it was. While she slipped the shirt over her head, Kakashi turned to Obito, swallowing his feelings and banishing them into the deepest pit of himself until there was only a shimmer of it left. He felt frozen, as he carefully crouched down and hefted Obito on his back, one arm slung over his shoulder and his hands keeping a steady but firm hold on Obito's tights. He hoped Obito wouldn't strangle him on sight upon waking, even with only one arm left.

He wasn't sure if he would resist.

He wasn't sure what would happen if you died in death. Would he cease to exist?

“Let's go.” his tone was utterly devoid of feelings. An empty shell, as he forced his heavy body to move. One step before the other, while his senses were high-wired to their surroundings and Rin in particular. She stayed close to his side as they began the track back to what should be Konoha. Kakashi hoped it would take a long while.

He didn't feel ready to face it all.

Not yet.

Maybe not ever.

**Author's Note:**

> Fist chapter of my Kakashi-POV. Hope you liked it and I'd love to hear your thoughts!


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